


working nine to five (what a way to make a living)

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sex Shop, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 20:25:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4276809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(for bonus round two: alternate universe). prompt: "oikawa runs a sex shop au, the rest of seijoh are either his employees or his regulars". the six types of people who wander into the store.</p>
            </blockquote>





	working nine to five (what a way to make a living)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [putsch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/putsch/gifts).



> title cribbed from the dolly parton song.

**1\. lion in the streets, lamb in the sheets**

He stalks up to the storefront with the confidence of a regular, but Iwaizumi’s never seen him before. Bleach-blonde hair, close-shaven undercut, and bags under his eyes so heavy they look like panda smudges. He has teenager bones. 

But what really gives him away is the way he comes into the place. Iwaizumi holds off on the customer greeting and just watches him, knows everybody else is watching him, too. It’s a slow day in the store. Matsukawa’s even got his elbows on the counter. 

He’s nervously staring at the horror story dildo that Oikawa’s mounted on a little plinth of its own, immediately across from the door, right at eye-level. It’s a glittery, violently teal, off-brand silicone mess that somehow melted in the heat of Iwaizumi’s car--prompting Oikawa to swear never to stock this company’s products--but also looks hilarious, because it still acts kind of like a dildo. It flops around, quivers in a strong breeze, and stretches in weird places. It lays at a hilariously limp angle toward his face, right now, blue-green dickhead pointing right at his forehead.

Regulars don’t even bat an eye. This one stares at it, swallows nervously, clearly re-evaluating his decisions, and strides past it. Iwaizumi calls out, “Welcome to Purity Toys!” and heads toward him with a smile, when Oikawa cuts him off.

“Kyouken-chan!” His airy voice clearly strikes some kind of chord with the kid, and Iwaizumi comes back to the register when he sees his hackles raised. “What brings you here to my humble little shop?” He strains to hear his voice, growly and low--but mostly sounding like a series of low mumbles--something, something, _handcuffs_. “Aaaahhhhh,” Oikawa sighs, clasping a hand to his chest. “Kyouken-chan wants something to spice up his life, I see, I see!” 

He’s practically hop-skipping to aisle two (thankfully missing aisle one and the little door to the actual leather goods playroom), and Iwaizumi watches him go before muttering to Matsukawa, “ _... Mad Dog?_ ”

Hanamaki shrugs before gathering up bottles of lubricant to stock in aisle three, presumably to eavesdrop. He comes back a few minutes later, red in the face with suppressed laughter, and sends Iwaizumi out next. He hears _and, of course, you’ll want a good set of safewords for your hard limits. Kyouken-chan, you’re not breathing! Breathplay is not safe and not very sane, even if it’s consensual--_

“Kyouken-chan” comes out of the storm with a set of padded handcuffs, a package of leather straps, two types of soft nylon rope, and an incredibly stony stare that bores into Iwaizumi’s eyes while he rings him up.

“Come back again!” Oikawa calls, and they wait until they can hear his car zoom out of the lot to laugh at him.

 

**2\. toy-curious**

“I’m looking for a--well, um, ahaha, a vibr--um--a vibrator?” He’s just a kid who looks barely old enough to be in the store, but Hanamaki gets him to aisle eight easily enough. He gestures to the central display, sleek plastic shining under the store’s lights. The kid can barely look at them--or at Hanamaki’s nametag, where he’d written _‘Ask me about good vibrations!’_

“Oh, try this one.” It buzzes when Hanamaki switches it on, pointing at the controls. “It’s kind of easy, but I know some people say it hits too close to the prostate. Do you know where yours is?” While the poor kid is turning red at the question, Hanamaki puts it back without turning it off and hands him another. “Or this one.”

“Uh--” and the sound it makes, added to the first vibrator, cooks up an impressively loud buzzing that makes Matsukawa pop his head into the aisle to see the source. 

“Oh,” he says, before disappearing. 

“This one?” Hanamaki is the most enthusiastic about the toys in the store--the weird ones, the really weirdly aggressive ones that get people freaked out, which he finds hilarious--and the kid has two vibrators, one in each hand. He looks more and more confused by the second.

“This is like,” Oikawa softly observes from the counter, arms crossed over his chest to imitate Iwaizumi’s usual stance. “That scene in Harry Potter.”

“No, this one.” 

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi agrees, hiding his grin behind a package of thigh-highs. 

“ _Oh_ , a butt plug. You should have said so! Here, this is a nice one--” The cacophony of multiple vibrators makes him yell. “This one vibrates too, see?” The kid says something that’s drowned out by the noise of Hanamaki’s vibrator orchestra. “Look, kid--what’s your name?--Watari-kun, you’re really new to this, huh?” The kid makes a noise of assent.

“Right, okay, then you’ll want to clean yourself out. We have enema stuff in aisle five,” Hanamaki shouts, because safe sex is important, “And you kind of ease it in, you know. You definitely want to use lubricant.” Matsukawa reappears in the aisle, grinning while flourishing a handful of sample lube packets. “Oh, water-based. Sure.” He tears it open and pours it on his fingers, Watari edging toward the door. “And you gotta keep reapplying if it’s water-based, okay, don’t let that weird guy at the counter tell you different.”

“Um, I’ll just buy it and go,” he squeaks. Hanamaki sighs, and switches off the vibrators. Matsukawa solemnly hands him a boxed vibrating anal plug, in violet silicone. “ _Thankyouverymuch!_ " 

After Hanamaki cleans off the lube from his hands, Matsukawa high-fives him.

 

**3\. regular regular**

Kunimi is the one they all kind of know by face and name, if and only if because he appears like clockwork, once every two weeks, to buy condoms. And a little toy, maybe once a year. Or anniversaries. 

“Cotton,” Matsukawa says, usual smile on his face replaced by a familiar in-joke contempt. “How have you been?”

“Still chafing?” Kunimi shoots back, polite frown growing on his face. He doesn’t even peruse the aisles, just goes straight for the condom bins marked with brand names and picks out two boxes. 

“Don’t harass our customers,” Oikawa whines, and Matsukawa laughs at him. Deadpan, Kunimi raises the hem of his shirt to show Oikawa the exact nature of their feud: lacy white cotton rests on his hipbone, elastic stretched across his pelvis. “Oh.”

“It’s more comfortable, more practical.” 

“Silk is sexier,” Matsukawa argues, and Oikawa watches helplessly while Kunimi gets his receipt. “Thanks for coming in!”

“Have a good day,” Kunimi replies, and pauses before exiting the store. “Oh. I’m going out of town for a bit, so someone else will make the supply run.” 

“Duly noted!” Oikawa recovers remarkably quickly, flashing him a thumbs-up and a smile. 

 

(Kindaichi is precisely the opposite of the person they’re all expecting. He mistakes the lubricant pumps for hand sanitizer, can’t bring himself to look away from the floppy teal dildo by the door, and actually yelps when he takes a turn on aisle one. He can’t even look Matsukawa in the eye, and Iwaizumi rings him up and gets him out as quickly as humanly possible, if only to spare him his dignity.)

 

**4\. shop employees**

“I cannot believe you actually--”

“No, save it, don’t.” 

“But Liquid Silk _is so--_ ”

Hanamaki grabs his purchases from Oikawa’s hands while he’s still mid-pout. “I’ll ring myself up.”

 

**5\. the wild card**

“It’ll be the five inch.” Matsukawa stares intently at the young man in aisle six. “He got the four-point-five like, three months ago.”

“It was two months,” Oikawa frowns. “It could be the five.” He brushes a glittery piece of yellow lint off his shoulder. Matsukawa’s bumblebee costume sheds. “Do you think he’ll spring for it?”

“He’s been playing it safe, I dunno.” Hanamaki appears at Oikawa’s shoulder, idly fixing his nametag. Iwaizumi elbows Oikawa in the side when he sees him open his mouth, about to say something just as the young man reaches out to pluck something off the shelves.

“ _Wow,_ ” they breathe as one, when Yahaba chooses the five inch. He takes long strides to the counter, Iwaizumi scrambling to his register as everyone tries to look as if they were otherwise occupied. “Find everything okay?” he manages, and Yahaba gives him a radiant smile.

“Just fine,” he hums, and lays down the tapered rubber on the counter. “This, please. I have everything else at home.” 

With a certain amount of awe, Oikawa watches Iwaizumi bag the toy and hand it over. “I can’t believe it,” he mumbles, while Yahaba leaves. “He’s gonna do it.”

“I can’t believe it either,” Iwaizumi muses. “Do you think he’s an artistic type? Is he just using them for other reasons? Like a display?”

“He’s methodically buying up larger and larger sizes of body-safe rubber phalluses,” Hanamaki points out. “There is literally no other reason.”

“I guess not,” Iwaizumi sighs. “Let’s talk about it again in a month, then.” Matsukawa advances with a paper printout of five weeks, circling today’s date. “Place your bets, guys.”

 

**6\. innocents**

If there is a single employee who catches the most attention throughout the day, despite Oikawa’s best efforts, it’s probably Matsukawa. 

“You’re a … What are you today?” Hanamaki watches while Matsukawa executes a little spin, microshorts clinging to his ass. “You were a maid last week, that was easy.” He can hear Iwaizumi vacuuming in the back office, half an hour before opening.

“Easy.” Matsukawa wiggles his eyebrows. “I’m a military officer.” The mocked up patches are placed in strategic points on his costume, the deep v-neck cut of his cropped shirt laying flat against his chest. His muscles bulge interestingly under the fabric.

“I can’t believe you work out for this,” Hanamaki sighs, frowning at his thinner legs. “I should go to the gym with you guys.”

“Hey, if you got it,” Matsukawa shrugs, loading his utility belt with condoms. “And Iwaizumi works out because he needs a hobby.”

The doorbell rings. “Welcome to Purity Toys,” Hanamaki starts, out of pure habit. Matsukawa’s eyes, though, they’re sharp--his virgin radar was always good. He darts over to the door with his prettiest customer service smile while the guy freezes in the doorway. (And he would too, Takahiro supposes, if a six-foot something guy in a sexy military costume were running toward him. Well, and if he hadn’t known Oikawa for most of his life.)

When Matsukawa throws up the packets like confetti, he showers him in condoms. “Welcome to Purity Toys!” 

The guy actually falls over. “I think you killed him,” Hanamaki observes, leaving the scene of the crime to fetch Iwaizumi. “And he looks kind of familiar.” 

“He does,” Matsukawa replies thoughtfully, half-dragging, half-hauling him away from the door. “He’s also a fire hazard.”

“Ushiwaka?” Iwaizumi is, sometimes, Hanamaki’s favorite person. His eyes widen comically when he realizes who Matsukawa is holding up, takes in the scattered condoms. “Ushijima-kun is the landlord’s nephew,” he groans, dragging his hand across his face. “Bring him to the back,” he says, and disappears to find Oikawa.

Matsukawa dumps him unceremoniously in the back office’s chair, its wooden legs protesting from the sudden weight. “I have to finish opening.” He frowns and leaves. Ushijima stirs.

Hanamaki switches off the office’s lights and exits the room, just as he can hear Oikawa’s voice. “What do you mean, _he’s here_ , Iwa-chan--”

**Author's Note:**

> further additional tags: kunimi akira's cotton panties, yahaba shigeru's size kink, hanamaki takahiro's vibrator orchestra


End file.
